Today in my step class at the gym, the instructor played "Thriller." It was not a good idea. Not because I don't like the song, but because i like the song TOO MUCH. Instead of paying attention to what I should have been doing: turn step, V right V left, corner knees, over the top, knee straddle, etc., I was instead singing "cus this is thriller, thriller night" under my breathe and playing the video over in my head. I tripped over my step. Not the kind of trip that makes you fall, but the kind that pulls a muscle in your back.
But the pain was worth it. Thriller is the best song. I remember watching that video when I was little, dancing in the living room. I used to get so scared -- ok, i lied. i didn't USED to get scared, i still get a little freaked out. I had a red jacket just like Michael Jackon. I had a lot of Michael Jackson gear. This was when he was cool. I lived in Germany when Thriller came out (military brat) so you can imagine how cool MJ was over there. I don't know what it is, but the Europeans LOVE Michael Jackson -- they still do. If I ever become a physcho washed up singer, i'm moving to Europe to maintain my fame.
While dancing to Thriller, I started thinking back to my first time trick or treating -- this again was probably why my back is on fire. pay attention ReRe. Halloween wasn't a big deal on the base we live on in Germany, but when we moved back to the state in 1985, i was so excited about trick or treating. My mom said I talked about it for months.
My first costume was a witch. I can close my eyes and still feel the excitement i had putting on the black dress, makeup and hat. I'd been waiting for this day forever -- free candy and fun costumes.
But the excitement was short-lived.
For years my mom and Aunt Cherly told the story (I'm sure my mom is looking down on me today laughing about my first Halloween!):
all dressed up, my mom and aunt cherly walked me down the street. the first house we got to was fully decorated. they said my face beamed. i had mywitch hat on, my bag, i was ready.
i stepped up on the porch behind a group of other little kids and waited patiently for my turn to say the words I'd been dreaming of: TRICK OR TREAT!!!
But before I got the chance, the Frankenstein sitting on the porch reached out his hand and grabbed me. Apparently the Frankenstien that had been sitting so still and quietly on the porch was actually a real person.
I screamed. dropping my bag, my hat. Scaring all the kids who were getting candy, making the Frankenstein -- who in real life was probably a nice investment banker -- feel like crap for freaking out my 4 year-old self.
Before he could apologize, i ran off the porch, still screaming. Running my mom and aunt. they chased me, i kept running. Finally when they caught up with me, my 4 year-old self uttered a phrase I never want to utter again:
"Let's just go home. I pooped my pants."
Yes ladies and gents. Halloween scared the crap out of me -- literally.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Curfew: Bad. DUI: Good
Norman law enforcement is backwards. I didn't realize this until I started raising a teenager and began dealing with them about 2 years ago.
And this morning they proved exactly how backwards they are.
This morning my phone rang at 2:46 a.m. Anytime my phone rings this earlier in the morning I know exactly who is on the other end and what they want. The Who is always the police/juvey the What is always come get your brother.
So this morning when the voice on the other end said "This is the cleveland county sherriff" i was not surprised. I go on auto-pilot these days: "What did he do? Where is he? When can I get him."
But this morning the hubby and I did not have to stumble out of bed, throw on our clothes and go down to juvey hall.
"Yes ma'am," the voice on the other end said, in a friendly voice. "I pulled over your brother for a busted tail light. He was in the car with two 40s and marijuana. I'm arresting one of his passengers and giving your brother a ticket for open container and then he's free to go."
"Umm, what?!" that was all i could muster.
"He's free to go, after i write his ticket for open container. I do want you to know that I found enough marijuana in his car to arrest him and his three passengers, but i'm sending him home."
I was astounded. Not because I think the marijuana is the devil -- legalize it, don't criticize it -- but because this is the same police department who has arrested Jonathan 5 times for curfew. It's like the wait until 12:01 a.m. and then come find him. But yet he gets pulled over have a Snoop Dogg fest in his Toyota Corolla and they SEND HIM HOME.
For the record, the lil bro swears he had no idea that his was driving around a rap video in his backseat. Apparently the sheriff believes him too since the guy with the 40s and pot had them in a backpack in the back seat.
Do I believe him?
That's not important. What's important is if he had been where he should have been -- at home, in bed, ALONE -- none of this would be happening.
But even more important/strange than that is the fact that somehow in Norman it is OK to drive around at 17 with open 40s, but don't dare be sitting in your driveaway after curfew.
But why am I not surprised. This is the same town where i got this call one day at work:
"This is (lil bro's) math teacher. He brought gum today and that is not allowed at our school."
"Seriously, you called me at work to tell me he has gum."
"Yes, this is very serious. Gum gets stuck in our carpets and water fountain. It's a big deal."
"You are right. He should not be breaking rules. But honestly, a few months ago he was in juvey for waving a gun at someone, so I think I'm going to take gum chewing over that. But thanks for the update."
I guess the moral of the story is: If you are a bad kid or have bad kids, move to Norman. As long as they are in by midnight, it's all good.
And this morning they proved exactly how backwards they are.
This morning my phone rang at 2:46 a.m. Anytime my phone rings this earlier in the morning I know exactly who is on the other end and what they want. The Who is always the police/juvey the What is always come get your brother.
So this morning when the voice on the other end said "This is the cleveland county sherriff" i was not surprised. I go on auto-pilot these days: "What did he do? Where is he? When can I get him."
But this morning the hubby and I did not have to stumble out of bed, throw on our clothes and go down to juvey hall.
"Yes ma'am," the voice on the other end said, in a friendly voice. "I pulled over your brother for a busted tail light. He was in the car with two 40s and marijuana. I'm arresting one of his passengers and giving your brother a ticket for open container and then he's free to go."
"Umm, what?!" that was all i could muster.
"He's free to go, after i write his ticket for open container. I do want you to know that I found enough marijuana in his car to arrest him and his three passengers, but i'm sending him home."
I was astounded. Not because I think the marijuana is the devil -- legalize it, don't criticize it -- but because this is the same police department who has arrested Jonathan 5 times for curfew. It's like the wait until 12:01 a.m. and then come find him. But yet he gets pulled over have a Snoop Dogg fest in his Toyota Corolla and they SEND HIM HOME.
For the record, the lil bro swears he had no idea that his was driving around a rap video in his backseat. Apparently the sheriff believes him too since the guy with the 40s and pot had them in a backpack in the back seat.
Do I believe him?
That's not important. What's important is if he had been where he should have been -- at home, in bed, ALONE -- none of this would be happening.
But even more important/strange than that is the fact that somehow in Norman it is OK to drive around at 17 with open 40s, but don't dare be sitting in your driveaway after curfew.
But why am I not surprised. This is the same town where i got this call one day at work:
"This is (lil bro's) math teacher. He brought gum today and that is not allowed at our school."
"Seriously, you called me at work to tell me he has gum."
"Yes, this is very serious. Gum gets stuck in our carpets and water fountain. It's a big deal."
"You are right. He should not be breaking rules. But honestly, a few months ago he was in juvey for waving a gun at someone, so I think I'm going to take gum chewing over that. But thanks for the update."
I guess the moral of the story is: If you are a bad kid or have bad kids, move to Norman. As long as they are in by midnight, it's all good.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Stuff White People -- and ReRe -- Like
Today while perusing my friend Ryan's blog, I saw the funniest quote:
"Putting out a plate of hummus and pita makes white people very comfortable. It reminds them of home since at any given time a white person has hummus in their fridge. Even the most barren white refrigerator will have a package of the stuff next to an empty Brita filter."
The hummus quote is from one of the funniest blogs, Stuff White People Like.That blog is hiliarious. You would think that it was created by Chris Rock or some other comedian who loves making fun of white people, but nope, it's written by a Canadian dude (a white guy, i don't think there are black folks in Canada, but i could be wrong).
I've talked about Stuff White People like before. Once there was a post about thing white people wear like New Balance shoes, so i talked about things black people like to wear, like big hats to church.
Being married to a white guy, i always find myself reading the blog and saying "ha, that's so true, James loves (insert white folk thing)."
But today I didn't do that. Instead, today I realized that I just might be white.
Why?
Because I LOVE hummus. Zorba's has the best, followed by the Athens brand you can get at Wal-Mart. The roasted red pepper one is my fave. Ironically, about 5 seconds before i found this hummus posting, i was just telling a friend how i couldn't wait to buy some hummus this weekend.
So, I don't know if I'm white, or if the creator of Stuff White People Like has just missed the mark on this one. I think it's the latter, because James does not like hummus. He says "it's alright, but looks like baby poop or throw up." Maybe he's black? Either way, we are still have jungle fever.
I think hummus is less of a "white" thing and more of a "greek" or "brown" thing. But there are some foods that are definitely white and black. Not saying that all whites or blacks like these things, but come on, you never saw the Brady Bunch sitting down to a meal of neck bones, but that was served many a times in my house growing up.
I know a few food -- like mayo, lunchables, hamburger helper -- white people like (my research was conducted by marrying a white boy, having a white auntie and growing up in Norman -- which was mostly white for many a years).
But the list below focuses on Stuff (food) Black People Like:
(editor's note: i'm not even putting fried chicken b/c that's a lazy given)
Red Kool-Aid -- contrary to popular belief, kool-aid is a food group and it goes with any other food.
Yellow cake w/ chocolate frosting -- no family reunion is complete without it
Beans with hamhocks
Pig feet, chitlins and other pig parts (besides a hot dog) -- not every black person likes it, but we've all tried it.
Dressing -- we don't eat stuffing, it's called dressing. "Stovetop Dressing" would be the name if a brotha made it
Macaroni and cheese -- i'm not talking Kraft, i'm talking homemade, baked in the oven.
Sweet potato pie -- no pumpkin pie here, give me some sweet potato
Fried fish -- grilling may be healthier, but who cares
Louisiana hot sauce -- goes on EVERY THING
Greens and cornbread
Fried bologna sandwiches -- when i was little, i thought ham and turkey were for rich people.
Hot links
Barbecue -- don't care what it is: chicken, burgers, ribs, turkey etc.
Little Debbie Oatmeal Pies
Fried livers and gizards
Hogmaw -- stomach of the pig
Fried Okra
Cabbage with okra in it
Orange and red pops -- this is in the same group as kool-aid
what else?
"Putting out a plate of hummus and pita makes white people very comfortable. It reminds them of home since at any given time a white person has hummus in their fridge. Even the most barren white refrigerator will have a package of the stuff next to an empty Brita filter."
The hummus quote is from one of the funniest blogs, Stuff White People Like.That blog is hiliarious. You would think that it was created by Chris Rock or some other comedian who loves making fun of white people, but nope, it's written by a Canadian dude (a white guy, i don't think there are black folks in Canada, but i could be wrong).
I've talked about Stuff White People like before. Once there was a post about thing white people wear like New Balance shoes, so i talked about things black people like to wear, like big hats to church.
Being married to a white guy, i always find myself reading the blog and saying "ha, that's so true, James loves (insert white folk thing)."
But today I didn't do that. Instead, today I realized that I just might be white.
Why?
Because I LOVE hummus. Zorba's has the best, followed by the Athens brand you can get at Wal-Mart. The roasted red pepper one is my fave. Ironically, about 5 seconds before i found this hummus posting, i was just telling a friend how i couldn't wait to buy some hummus this weekend.
So, I don't know if I'm white, or if the creator of Stuff White People Like has just missed the mark on this one. I think it's the latter, because James does not like hummus. He says "it's alright, but looks like baby poop or throw up." Maybe he's black? Either way, we are still have jungle fever.
I think hummus is less of a "white" thing and more of a "greek" or "brown" thing. But there are some foods that are definitely white and black. Not saying that all whites or blacks like these things, but come on, you never saw the Brady Bunch sitting down to a meal of neck bones, but that was served many a times in my house growing up.
I know a few food -- like mayo, lunchables, hamburger helper -- white people like (my research was conducted by marrying a white boy, having a white auntie and growing up in Norman -- which was mostly white for many a years).
But the list below focuses on Stuff (food) Black People Like:
(editor's note: i'm not even putting fried chicken b/c that's a lazy given)
Red Kool-Aid -- contrary to popular belief, kool-aid is a food group and it goes with any other food.
Yellow cake w/ chocolate frosting -- no family reunion is complete without it
Beans with hamhocks
Pig feet, chitlins and other pig parts (besides a hot dog) -- not every black person likes it, but we've all tried it.
Dressing -- we don't eat stuffing, it's called dressing. "Stovetop Dressing" would be the name if a brotha made it
Macaroni and cheese -- i'm not talking Kraft, i'm talking homemade, baked in the oven.
Sweet potato pie -- no pumpkin pie here, give me some sweet potato
Fried fish -- grilling may be healthier, but who cares
Louisiana hot sauce -- goes on EVERY THING
Greens and cornbread
Fried bologna sandwiches -- when i was little, i thought ham and turkey were for rich people.
Hot links
Barbecue -- don't care what it is: chicken, burgers, ribs, turkey etc.
Little Debbie Oatmeal Pies
Fried livers and gizards
Hogmaw -- stomach of the pig
Fried Okra
Cabbage with okra in it
Orange and red pops -- this is in the same group as kool-aid
what else?
Condoms should be free
So, what were YOU doing at 12:28 a.m. today? Well, I was kicking a pantsless girl -- who shall remain nameless (read: I have dubbed her "Hoe") -- out of my house. "Hoe" is the same girl I kicked out of my house 3 weeks ago and told her that this was the first and last time I should EVER see her in my house. So this morning when I felt that something just wasn't right -- it's kind of like when you feel someone staring at you. Except, I can feel when there are more bodies in my house than should be -- I promptly got up and walked to the little bro's room, where I found "Hoe," WITH her pants half down. But don't worry, "We weren't doing it, i was just rubbing her belly." Who would have thought that I would start my day with this phrase: "If I ever see you again, I will beat the holy shit out of you. You can count on that you little slut." Nope, I did not think that phrase would start my day, but it did. I'm not a cusser, but this morning I yelled words at "Hoe" that I didn't even think existed. Oh, don't worry, the little bro got words too. They are both little hoes. "Hoe" continued to look at Jonathan, like he was going to stop me (he just looked at the ground). "Don't look at him, it's his dumbass that got you in this mess. Look at me, because it's MY house you are disrespecting." I then told her I couldn't wait till she was grown and some little hoe came and fcked in her son's bed. I told her I'd be there to laugh and cheer the girl on. "Hoe" never responded. I asked her if she was deaf, mute, dumb or all 3, as she stood there staring at me. If i wasn't wearing my ghetto robe --- one that doesn't tie, and therefore i have to hold shut unless i want to share all my goodies -- i would have beat the holy shit out her -- and HIM.Thank God my robe is ghetto or i'd be in jail right now; but it would have been worth it Anyways, after the deaf, mute and dumb hoe left, Jonathan preceeded to plead his case. "I'm a teenager, i'm a boy." "Things have changed since your day, kids have sex." "I need to do it, where else am I gonna go."These were among his stupid execuses. What he fails to see is that my anger is not b/c he's having sex -- i'd prefer he'd have it with someone who is not dumb -- i'm angry b/c he's doing it in MY house. the only person that should be having sex in my house is me -- oh , and James! Our conversation then turned into one every parent and faux-parent has to have: safe sex. "Have you always used protection with her?""Yes, except for....""If you are saying except, you should not be answering my question with yes." And then the kicker from my lil bro:"Well, condoms cost money and i don't always have money. Condoms should be free -- and not the little ones like Durex." Yea, i don't blush often (yes, black folks can "blush") but that last part did the trick. So yeah, what were you doing at 12:28 a.m.?
I'm heeeeerrreee!
I've been putting off starting a blog outside of Myspace for a while. But here I am.
What changed my mind?
I'll be honest, it was ego! I've been cracking people up since 1981, and my myspace blogs were no exception. But those folks already know i'm funny, it's time for more people to taste my humor!
The first few posts will be a mix of old blog posts i've done on myspace. That may seem lazy -- and maybe it is -- but i've got some good stuff and it can't go to waste.
Welcome to Re-Ramblings.
Enjoy!
What changed my mind?
I'll be honest, it was ego! I've been cracking people up since 1981, and my myspace blogs were no exception. But those folks already know i'm funny, it's time for more people to taste my humor!
The first few posts will be a mix of old blog posts i've done on myspace. That may seem lazy -- and maybe it is -- but i've got some good stuff and it can't go to waste.
Welcome to Re-Ramblings.
Enjoy!
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